How do I tell my child we are getting a divorce?
Informing your child/children that you are getting a divorce is a tough discussion to have. Although there is no ideal way to inform children about such a big event, these tips will help to prepare and guide you on how to approach the discussion sensitively.
1. Keep your personal experience to yourself
For the well-being of your kids, it is important that you set aside any personal outrage, anger, disappointment, resentment etc, which you might be feeling towards your former partner. Separating your historical experience with your former partner, from the relationship your children have with your ex is critical, Why? Because to come from a position of compassion it is important to truly put the children first, when discussing your impending divorce.
Your experience need not be their experience. If they have a sound relationship with your former partner, it is a complete ‘no no’ to try and muddy that bond. Your child will need as much love and security as they can get, and ideally from both parents. So coming from a position of ‘unity’ at least when discussing your divorce, will go a long way in helping your child navigate their own emotions.
2. Preparation
Ask yourself the following questions to help you position your discussion in a ‘child-first’ manner:
- What questions will my child/children likely have?
- How will I answer the above likely questions my child raises?
- What likely emotions will rise for my child/children?
- How will I reassure my child/children?
- What resources should I have with me when I’m talking to my child/children? (ie: books, useful websites, tissues).
- What does my child really need from me at this moment?
- How will I make sure I can emotionally and mentally support my child?
- What is the best day and time to have this discussion?
- Who should be present during this discussion?
- If my child has a big emotional reaction during the discussion, how will I handle this?
- If I become overwhelmed myself, what do I need to do to collect myself? (ie: Breathing techniques, or a time-out can help you reset yourself).
Grab your journal and pen and plan out your discussion, so important points are covered and you have anticipated as much as possible.
3. Discuss the ‘Big Talk’ with your former partner first
Ideally you and your former partner can agree to announce your divorce to the children together. It is always advisable to have this conversation beforehand in private, so that you don’t end up discussing it in front of your children.
In the event that you and your former partner are not on talking terms, you can always seek the help of a counselor or someone you trust to help break the news. The key is to use age-appropriate language, whilst reassuring your child they are loved.
4. Note the important points about getting a divorce
Announcing your divorce to your children need not be a full-on discussion in one sitting. Your child/children won’t need all the hairy details in one go. Most experts encourage couples to plan the main significant messages that the children need to hear.
It is also advisable for you to note down any important points so you don’t forget to share necessary information with your children. For example, depending on your children’s age, you may need to explain how their ‘new world’ will look and operate. It may help to use books with bright visuals to explain what is happening through story form for younger children.
When I separated with my ex, my children were three and one years old. For my three year old, I gradually explained the news using stories, books and short words and sentences that she could understand. So I explained that “Daddy lives in Daddy’s house, and Mummy lives in Mummy’s house”. I reminded her she was loved immensely and would have two of everything IE: two bedrooms, toys at Daddy’s house and toys at Mummy’s house, she would celebrate her birthday and Christmas in two households. I tried to come from a position of abundance as opposed to lack and loss.
As my children grew older, I was able to reveal more. Other times, they would ask me unexpected questions that I wasn’t ready for, like “Did you marry Daddy?”, “Why don’t you live with Daddy?” etc. So I’ve learned to prepare myself for ‘out of the blue’ questions. I can now see they will want to know what happened as they grow older. For now, they seem content with our set-up and as long as they are thriving, I don’t feel the need to ‘over-discuss’.
5.Describe the changes in bite-size
Children thrive on routines and feel safe within known structures and boundaries. So if there is a change to their routine life, you may need to explain how it will look moving forward. For example, will pick up/drop offs to school be the same? Will they still sleep in their beds the bulk of the time, or will they be moving to/fro between houses? If child access is not 50/50, how often will they see the parent not living with them? Who will take them to their sports classes? etc. To not overwhelm your child, we suggest you focus on the most important changes first and explain it (or draw it out for them if they are young), in bite-size chunks.
Since my children were very young when I first became a single parent, I found that I didn’t have to explain much. Plus they were used to not seeing their Father frequently, as he would travel for business alot. So the transition (for them at least) was not as horrendous as I had imagined. In the end, I believe they absorbed their ‘new norm’ very well and adjusted to seeing their Father some weekends.
I also made a conscientious effort to make sure I was spending more time with them, and worked from home as much as I could. I made a concerted effort to have as many family meals with them as I could, and always made sure I was around for the bedtime routine.
6.Have the discussion with the whole family
Experts suggest it is worth having this discussion in the presence of the whole family, and then talking with each child individually later. Having this conversation in presence of your former partner is really helpful, so that it minimises any tension among the kids, and you can both jointly reassure and answer any questions.
If you are worried that one of your children may have a big emotional response, that may agitate or upset the other children, you and your former partner may need to converse with each child separately.
It is important both you and your former partner are united in what you are saying. It can totally confuse the child if both of you are at odds.
7. Keep calm
Sometimes this is easier said than done, especially with such an emotive topic like divorce. However the way you present the news to your children will influence them. How you convey the message will play a huge part in their reaction. If the discussion becomes heated, it can lead to your child feeling traumatised. So it is advisable to not engage in the ‘blame game’ or to maintain a healthy conversation.
Therefore, decide beforehand how you will maintain calm. If you feel you or anyone else is having an unhealthy reaction, you may wish to use deep-breaths, a time-out, or ask everyone to journal what they are feeling in the moment, to create a ‘pause’ in discussions. It can also be useful to allow everyone to share their thoughts individually without interruption from anyone else, so all parties have adequate ‘air-time’.
It can also be useful to carry a physical ‘anchor’ like a memento, charm, stone, bracelet to remind you to stay calm.
8. Be open for further discussions
Bear in mind (and anticipate) that it will require a lot of time for your child/ children to digest the news and understand how they feel about you getting a divorce. Ensure they know that they can re-open discussions at any time, as this may help your child feel at ease.
Planning on scheduled daily/weekly discussions can be very healthy. Particularly as the changes take place and the divorce and/or co-parenting journey commences. There will likely be emotions, considerations and challenges that come throughout the process (some you can foresee and plan for, others can be quite ‘out of the blue’). So expect the unexpected.
From my experience, there were many things I hadn’t fully anticipated at all. For example, I didn’t realise my own emotional and mental state would have such an impact on my productivity. I also thought I would cope better than I did emotionally. So sometimes I couldn’t help the emotional breakdowns, nor stop the tears from coming in front of the children.
I hadn’t realised how affected I was attending school meetings and functions on my own. And for a while, I struggled to attend children’s birthday parties where other families were in attendance. So I had to deal with all these triggers with my own healing journey, whilst being present for the children.
Summary
Children are smart and will pick up on the atmosphere around them. So it’s best to be authentic in a way that is age-appropriate. Naturally you will need to gauge how much information they need to know, particularly if there were dishonest or traumatic events that led up to the divorce.
We hope these tips will help you and your children maintain your emotional health by sharing your news in a loving and compassionate way.
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Written by Dee Khanduja- CoFounder of Truced |International Speaker |Author | Content Creator | The Gritty Girl
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